0014: Today

In the past few weeks I haven't been in the best of moods. I've been experiencing mood swings since I left The Netherlands, actually. The worst feeling that I've experienced since I left was depression and I suddenly feel the need to talk about it. I promise, though, that one day, this blog will be... less intimate, I guess.

I have made promises to people that I can never fulfill because of the fact that their souls are no longer here. Sometimes I wish I could turn back time just to be around them a little longer; to be able to touch their hands again and tell them, "I'm here." I know it is not mine or anyone's fault but I can't help asking for forgiveness from those who aren't here any longer. I hear no replies, no acceptance of my apologies. I have a pain that I carry with me. I know I'm not the only one who has these feelings or burdens as some would say but I learned that people deal in different ways; I have yet to perfect my method of dealing.

I know that what I feel is temporary but temporary at this moment is forever. It's like lying down on your back while feeling a rock pushing into your spine, the ceiling is blank and yet you know there's something there; piercing wickedness into your eyes through your eyelids. The weight that pushes down on your chest while you sleep, demons of your guilt; punishment for all your wrongs. It almost sounds as if I'm creating a religious metaphor. Believe me you that it is not my intention to do so.

I don't want to talk about this anymore. It's depressing.

I woke up this morning to a phonecall from America. I didn't know who the number belonged to but when I picked it up, the introduction was clear. PayPal. It is the first time that I ever got a call from them after trying to get the limit off my account. It's happened before, the limits but usually they send me an E-mail stating that I've been given full access to my account again. The call really surprised me. Tell you what, a hypnotizing American accent made me smile. It's not that it was funny or anything of the sort. More towards the I haven't heard that type of accent for a while kind of smile.

It's kind of pathetic that I haven't been blogging for a while. I blame it on my moods and my incredibly small room. I wonder if I could move my bedroom to the living room? I don't think that's possible at all. My room is like a broom cupboard. You could assemble a double bed in there. Keyword: Assemble. You try to slip a double bed in there and your stuck in the doorway forever. I sleep on the floor so I could fold the matterss and make space! Maybe I should have bought a proper futon then instead of actually buying a foldable mattress. It would have been easier to pack away. Or maybe asked for a single bed last time. More storage space especially if I could slip things under the bed.

Sigh, half a year left before I end my academic year here in Winchester School of Art. I don't feel sad. I don't feel satisfied, yet. I feel angry. I feel tired. What did I do here? Unlike other people who have developed their skills since they came here, I was stuck in the mud. I still am. Doesn't matter now. I'll see what I can do before the end of the school year. Let's see how much I can do. I realized that every time I go to an institution, I start questioning about my life more than when I'm not. Not in a good way either. I truly believe I am not a school type of person. I know someone who received more than three scholarships to do three three-year Bachelors degree courses, two Masters degree course; and he told me that he only did it because he doesn't want to work and would rather study. I'm not like that. I don't want to waste my life learning extensively about one subject through exams. It's like what Albert Einstein said,

"Never memorize something that you can look up."

or something of the like.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm losing myself. Fading away. I feel like I'm not being true to myself. I guess that's me being dramatically melancholic. I wonder if every single person goes through this... affliction.

0013: The October 2011 Summary

The Now

SUPER EDIT: Happy belated New Year's everybody!

I am in The Netherlands again! I have an addiction to this place! It's beautiful and interesting, it has all these great architecture and you can see the traditional fused with the modern! Someone should make a world based on Amsterdam! Well, enough yapping about how beautiful this country is and go back to the actual blog!

I am actually in the Amsterdam School of Art where my friend is studying at the moment. (Edit: Not anymore!) While he's in his class I've decided to stay in the little computer room that they have here. It's next to the library, which is nice, but I'm too shy to go in there and start looking at the books. Or, I'm more afraid of them talking in Dutch to me... again! D:

OCTOBER

October saw me leave Malaysia on the 1st day. I said my farewells to my father who went to work and could not send me off and also to my mother who helped me go through the check-in. She couldn't come far into the terminals with me, of course but the fact that she came was enough to stop me from crying too much. Yes, I'm a big softie. I love my parents and I'm not that embarrassed to say it out loud. Although, in this case, I'm typing it down.

As soon as I arrived home, I checked my E-mail. It was a good thing I did because if I didn't I wouldn't have known that my little sister was going to arrive in England for her last holiday trip of the year abroad. I went out of the house around 4.30 in the morning and caught the 5am coach to Heathrow Airport where I picked my sister up. She was tired, I was tired, we headed to Winchester again and before we headed home we went around the little markets.

When we did reach the neighborhood, my friends who borrowed my house as storage finally had the time to take their stuff back and our other friends came to help move the boxes to the parking lot as they waited for the movers. It was a nice sunny day then and I quite miss it. Also, we were so tired that day that we didn't do much and went to sleep.

The day next I had school. Since it was only the morning and early afternoon, we planned that we go to school first then visit the Winchester Cathedral before my afternoon workshop/class begins. She was down with that.

We kind of got a little carried away with time and I was a little bit late for the workshop but the technician holding the class was fine with it because he's awesome like that. I still feel a little bad about coming late, though, because it is totally rude.

I spent more time when classes ended with my little sister. We went to the path along the river and to City Mill where otters apparently visit from time to time around midnight to the early morning hours. It was a small place and there really wasn't much to it but it was still quite awesome.

She wanted to see a lot of things before she left for my brother who is staying in Hull so my days were jam packed with places she wanted to see.

The Military Museums.

The little garden behind the Great Hall with my big head obstructing the view.

The Great Hall and the Round Table behind me.

Then we went to Southampton to eat at Uncle's place. Now, he's not really my uncle but I call him Uncle. He owns a restaurant called Old Town where they provide you with Malaysian and Japanese cuisine. Even though you end up smelling like cooking oil after eating there, the delicious food and the generous portions are worth it! Not to forget to mention how friendly they all are.

And of course, not to miss out on a show while she's around. We got to watch Slava's Snow Show at The Mayflower Theatre. It was incredible!

My little sister left and my life fell back into place like nothing ever happened. Actually, that isn't true. There was this feeling of emptiness whenever you or a family member leaves or when a physical distance has been made. It was made even more dramatic by the autumn leaves that follow me wherever I go.

I went on a coach again on the seventh to send my little sister off and also to pick my aunt up who is studying in Loughborough. Thing is, I had a class that day, too. She had someone to pick her up at the airport and she asked me to tag along. I did as she asked as this was her first time in the United Kingdom. But as soon as we reached the embassy, I had to tell her that I needed to go back. My reason was that I needed to take a shower which I hadn't taken that morning (I know, how gross) and also that I had to go to my first lecture of the year. She reluctantly let me go. I promised her that I'd come back to London the next morning.

The lecture I had was held by my head tutor and artist Alex Schady. It was interesting enough that I didn't fall asleep like I do in most of these Friday lectures. I had fun watching and listening to what he had prepared. I felt like I learned a lot. One day, maybe, I'd be as weird, lucky and as, for lack of better word, Graaaagh! as he. Please note that the last description I used is not an adjective and must be accompanied by the flailing of arms.

Later that night, a few friends came over and because there was no Internet in the house installed at the time, we found other things to do. Our other things were mainly reading books. One of them found an interesting page where a piece of origami heart envelope led us to attempt to fold it as there were no instructions. Hilarity ensued as no one made a heart… at all. Our results? A box, a jumping frog, a lotus and a stingray. Yes… a stingray.

That Saturday, I fulfilled my promise to my aunt and came by to pick her up at the hotel she was staying in. We went to Loughborough early afternoon from St. Pancras station where I found out Eurostar was stationed. We didn't do a lot when we arrived. We looked around the school with one map on my phone, a physical one in her hands and a list of what she needs to do on her first day of school. My favorite thing in the school was a tree that was cut and bent to create a roof over a piece of grassy area. Since my aunt wasn't feeling too well we spent the rest of the evening in bed. She slept, I gamed.

My aunt wanted to meet someone upon her arrival in Loughborough but the person couldn't make it the day before and so, made up for it on the Sunday. She showed us around the town and places that she liked there and then I had to go back to the station which was under renovation. I had assignments to do and because I've been so busy with family the first few weeks of starting school my work was double backlogged. But family is family and every backlog is worth it.

A week later, really early in the morning and jacked up with energy drinks, the Frieze Art Fair popped up. With tickets in hand I went with three of my friends and got to make a new one along the way. We visited the Hayward Gallery where the artwork of Pipilotti Rist was showing and then headed to Frieze.

There was a time during that month that when I looked at my wall I felt cold and lonely. My room is this really small broom cupboard. Ask anyone who has ever step foot inside my room and they will tell you exactly how small it is. Some have even compare it to Big Foot's footprint so you should be able to understand why I feel like it is a prison cell more than a bedroom. I decided to put up some stuff on the wall to make it less… prison-y.

The above Bus Routes image was something I found to be cute. I don't know how it's cute but it is. Surrounded by all these printed paper was this handwritten label. Isn't that… cute? Or am I the only one who finds it so?

Nearer to the end of the month, I spent most of my time working in the studio in school. I had an awesome time with my friend who helped me with some of my stuff and we also met up with one of our friend's who is doing a Masters degree and had dinner together in Pizza Hut!

After days of working and slaving away at assignments moments of randomness is what we all need.

//Recently… I've been hungry but the feeling of wanting to eat is not there. Sometimes I wish my appetite would come back…

Until next time!